Grief and Loss

Spirit of Joy-FINAL-04Life is Hard.  Did anyone ever say that to you?  It is the truth.  People we love leave us…sometimes through broken relationships and other times through death. This is part of life.  Loss is painful and can cripple us.  How are earth do we deal with loss? How can we move through the pain and continue living?

I heard some years ago that when life deals a blow, we have two choices. We can choose to be bitter or BETTER.  How do we go down the path of better when it HURTS so much?

The bitter path is easy.  It comes natural to us.  We rage at others, blame, deny, escape, hide, close up, wall up, lash out, numb the pain with other things, and on and on and on.

Let’s say that we do NOT want to choose bitter.  Let’s say that we make a decision to choose BETTER.  OK.  Now what?  Here’s where we have to WORK.  It isn’t easy to walk down the path of better.   We have to choose to leap off the cliff of FAITH and believe that there is something BIGGER than us out there that is ready to help us feel better, to recover, to become a survivor and NOT a victim.  We have to make an effort to believe and to seek out help from others who have gotten better instead of bitter.  We have to trust that we are not alone in this pain and that there is help in this walk towards healing.

If we are people of faith, we pray.  We ask our Father in Heaven to please guide and comfort us, to teach us how we are to live without that person in our lives.

The miracle is that He does.  One step at a time. He says, “Get up and get out of yourself for a few minutes today.  Go help someone or something.” Or He says, “Today I want you to rest.”  What I am trying to tell you is that He will guide and lead us to the next thing and the next thing after that until we are walking out of the darkness back into the light…His light…which is glorious and healing and comforting and forever.

I choose BETTER.  I hope and pray that you choose BETTER, too!

Adult Children of Addictive or Codependent Parents


Is there someone who you grew up with or around that had a problem with drinking or some other kind of addiction?  Perhaps one of your parents was incapable of unconditional love because one of his/her parents was an addict/alcoholic. We now know that codependent and addictive behaviors can be passed on without there being an actual drug or alcohol “problem”.  It all boils down to the home environment and UNCONDITIONAL love from all who live there.  If one or more of the people you grew up with were codependent or addictive in their behavior, then you may have learned some behaviors that are interfering with your current relationships.

When we grew up in an environment where there was, what psychologists term, DYSFUNCTION, then we developed tools in our invisible tool box to cope with others’ behavior towards us that was intrusive, unkind, hateful, critical, untrustworthy, abusive, etc….  These tools served us well in THAT relationship, but won’t work when we try to have a normal and constructive relationship.  So what do we do?

First we admit that we have a problem.  Here’s a “Laundry List” of traits that may be part of who you are and are not working well in your life as it is now.

  • Judge yourself without mercy
  • Constantly seek approval and affirmation
  • Overreact to changes over which you have no control
  • Feel you are different from others
  • Have difficulty having fun or have to use a substance to relax
  • Have difficulty with intimate relationships
  • Are either super responsible or super irresponsible
  • Are extremely loyal, even when presented with evidence that the loyalty is undeserved
  • Take yourself very seriously
  • Have to guess what normal looks like

If you believe that you may be having any of these characteristics, don’t be worried.  There is help and hope!  The FIRST thing is recognizing that you might have a problem and that is HUGE. Start researching what codependency is and what kind of help is out there. There are 12 step programs for every kind of addiction and codependency.

Learning to have healthy relationships and change is a real possibility. It takes work and recognition that it is a process.  If you are willing to work the steps to healing, you WILL heal.

Contact our office if you would like more information and assistance.  🙂

Who Needs the 12 Steps? Isn’t it just for alcoholics and drug users?

Blank--element36The 12 steps was given to men from God as guideposts for living and walking in freedom with Him.  Yes, it is for alcoholics and drug users. It is also for anyone seeking freedom from something on which we form an excessive dependency.  It can be a person, a thing, or a behavior and the key word here is EXCESSIVE.  It’s spiraling out of control and taking over our thoughts and stealing our peace and joy. This thing we are doing is interfering with relationships ~ with God and others.  These are addictive agents and the catalogue includes

  1. Alcohol and Drugs ~ most known for helping with these
  2. Work, achievement, or success
  3. Money addictions, such as overspending, gambling, hoarding
  4. Control addictions, especially if they surface in personal, sexual, family, and business relationships
  5. Food addictions
  6. Sexual addictions
  7. Approval dependency (the need to please people)
  8. Rescuing patterns toward other persons
  9. Dependency on toxic relationships (relationships that are damaging or hurtful)
  10. Physical illness (hypochondria)
  11. Exercise and physical conditioning
  12. Cosmetics, clothes, cosmetic surgery, trying to look good on the outside
  13. Academic pursuit and excessive intellectualizing
  14. Religiosity or religious legalism (preoccupation with the form, and the rules and regulations of religion, rather than benefiting from the real spiritual message)
  15. Preoccupation with thoughts that lead to one or all ~ guilt, condemnation, anger, resentment, bitterness, unforgiving spirit, depression, anxiety
  16. General perfectionism
  17. Obsessive Compulsive Behaviors
  18. Materialism

“Most of us can see ourselves somewhere in this list.  And all of us can benefit from the truths that emerge from Twelve Step recovery, because all of us are, to some degree, codependent.” ~ from Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery by Dr. Robert Hemfelt and Dr. Richard Fowler

If you are feeling that your life has spun out of control by things you are doing and thinking, then this program can help.  These are lamp posts along the narrow path with God.  They light our way and help us turn our lives and wills over to the care of God ~ one day at a time. This is what living freely looks like.  Please stop and pray about your life and let us know if we can help you.  God loves you so very much!